My Personal Enlightenment

Personally, I think my enlightenment began when I turned 18. I was in a relationship that I felt was battling my religion, and I think at this stage I was realizing who I was and what I really believed in. I am not a particularly religious person, but I think I carry religion with me on some days. I was in a relationship where the guy demanded more of me than I was willing to give. We hadn’t really known one another that well, and when we were first beginning the relationship there were already problems and I suppose this should have been my warning. However, me and warning signals don’t happen to mix so well. One has to hit me on the head for me to actually listen to my own mind on some occasions. I am someone who follows their heart, but for some reason when it comes to wrong judgement, I can never entirely despise a person unless they had wronged me in many ways. When we were together however, I actually did something that I have not yet revealed to my parents and regret to this day. I lied to them.

I had a music appreciation class (Music 21) for all those who wish to know, on Mondays and Wednesdays.  By the time I came to the door, the class had a note. Class was canceled. I saw him there, so naturally I went up to him, gave him a hug and apologized. We were supposed to hang out the day before, but it didn’t work out. We chatted for a bit, and he had asked me if I needed to go. My phone had died, and when I told him this he offered that I use his phone. I said no, and that I owed him a hangout anyway.  We then proceeded to Starbucks, which, I suppose, you could consider our “date”. He then asked me where I wanted to go: Campus, or in his car. I said whichever he preferred, and, naturally, he says his vehicle. 

Later, when we were in his car we just chatted about anything and everything. But in my head it felt… wrong. Like it wasn’t supposed to be this way. Like.. there were things about him that weren’t… good. I didn’t listen to my head though, I listened to… possibly being in my first relationship EVER.  We then talked about possibly being together, and at this day I was at a half half stage. We had only been talking for about 2 weeks or so. Then, as we talked more and more about what we were comfortable with doing, that is where I began to disagree with him. And… where I reached my enlightenment.

After I had left his vehicle and said goodbye, I had not mentioned a word to my parents about class being canceled. They asked me how class was, and I said it was “fine.” They didn’t suspect a thing because, well, they trust me with all their life. Of course, I felt guilty at this. But not guilty enough to tell them. 

Later that night, until this day, I am unsure of what happened to me. I went to sleep at midnight, and woke up at 2 am. I simply could not sleep. And I didn’t , and I still don’t, know why. But knowing me, I still didn’t listen. I didn’t think anything of it.

As we talked more and more however, I learned more and more things about his character that I hadn’t liked. He had told me many times about his joyrides as a teenager in his country, like that of getting wasted and not remembering what happened when he woke. For this, I was frightened. I preferred to marry someone who didn’t drink like me, a Muslim. I also found that I was not someone who wished to dedicate all their time to their boyfriend. I liked having space. But for me, the main thing I couldn’t get out of my head was the fact that he would drink. And like it way too much. The fact also that he wanted to do things with me that were against my beliefs also bothered me. I realized I did not think of My Creator in a long time. I realized I had not prayed nor talked about My Lord for a long time. I was not considering what were the consequences in my religion until this very moment in time. I had a choice to make. Betray my religion, and have fun for the time being? Or would I go back to My Lord and dump him? I was conflicted for days on end. But. I think I made the right choice.

We ended up dumping one another after 3 weeks of dating, and I am not ashamed to admit that I cried because he did not understand my needs for my religion. However, I don’t regret the decision one bit. I think I am a better person when I remember My Creator, and in fact I am more conscious of my bad deeds and good ones. I am not necessarily suggesting anyone to think like me, but just know where your morals are. I think for me, I was not aware of them until this moment. I was hurt, but I am sure not as hurt as I would’ve been when he pushed my limits even farther. I am glad almost, because of this experience. Every moment in time helps us realize something new. 




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